Monday, February 27, 2012

Lesbians and Toasters

I want to share two (very unedited) excerpts from an oldie short story I held from lesfic collection #1 ("The Old Woman and Other Lesbian Stories"). Not sure why I held it--it's hilarious. Maybe I didn't feel like editing it, dunno. But it's definitely getting into collection #2. The title of this story is "Toasted."


Amanda had fifty toasters. All colors, shapes and sizes. The one she showed off that day looked like a zebra. It was soft and furry, too. "Wow," I said. "That’s not real zebra fur, is it?"

"Of course not."

"How’d you get it?"

“The old-fashioned way."

"I don't understand."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Didn’t you ever read the lesbian handbook? For every straight girl I convert, I send in a proof ticket. Bingo, a toaster in the mail three weeks later."


A few days later, I happened to receive a package in error. It was addressed to Mattie Nelson, my next-door neighbor. I took it over.

"Oh! That must be the new toaster. Thanks so much." Mattie cut the box open and drew out a blue race car toaster. It wasn't as cool as the zebra, but still.

"Where'd you get that?"

Mattie winked. "This one's for converting the pastor's wife. No boring toasters for me."

"You had sex with Nicole Cooper?"

"A tiger in bed, too. Rowr! Hey, did you hear about the contest Acme's running?"

"Uh, no."

Mattie dug through her kitchen drawers. " Here." She handed me a piece of paper. "If you convert ten women in two days, you can have your own toaster customized."

"Customized?" I studied the paper. On it was a picture of the toaster last year’s winner had commissioned. A purple full-size unicorn. I drooled inwardly. I wanted that toaster.

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